I broke down last year. In a way that was way different, yet way worse, than my mind decay period in 2021. I don't really want to share the exact details this time, because I don't know how that impacts my future employability. It was weird though. Oddly it felt really good at first, so I leaned into it, but then it became bad, very very bad. Yet even without going into details, I do want to reflect on it, journal about this episode for future reference. Because in the end this breakdown is one of those major milestones in my life.
Right now, almost 6 months after being declared "recovered" do I begin to feel somewhat recovered, feeling a little like my old self. Yet I am still 'smoldering', don't feel like I am back at my peak self yet. Maybe I shouldn't even try to get there, go someplace else, go someplace more calm and nourishing. I'm considering to find a therapist, but that's a longer journey, in the mean time I have myself and my conversations with others.
We can't even figure out what triggered it. I have had plenty of potentially traumatic events in life, but I thought I was dealing well with those, nothing special happened right before my breakdown.
I'm reading my old blog posts, trying to see if I was too harsh on myself, if perhaps in all my desire for self improvement, there was some lingering self-hatred or avoidance. Yet in my 2022 catharsis post I seemed to be pretty self-aware and compassionate towards everything that was going on.
My father suffered from two burn-outs in his life, roughly around my age, so I guess I was prepared for something like that, monitoring myself for such signs, taking as much rest as possible. I wasn't prepared for this other thing that happened to me.
I do see plenty of posts that hint at my changes in mood, from lows to highs to lows and onwards. I was trying to learn from that, yet somehow thinking it could make me 'antifragile' to life's perturbations. Embracing my inner weirdness, indulging my obsession during high energy periods, instead of seeking tranquility and stability of mind. Or at least not truly focusing on more equanimity.
I worry that you can see the shadow in this blog and deduce what happened. Yet no recruiter or manager of mine ever read my blog, except if I very explicitly pointed them to it. So I am probably the only future reader.
I feel a little adrift and in doubt. Where do I want to go with my life and career? Sigh, does that even matter? Can't we just float through life right now and see what emerges? Do I need to improve myself? Pfff, all this personal development, is it needed? Can't we just accept ourselves? Do I need to take actions to avoid another breakdown? Can we even? If it happens, it happens. Maybe we see the signs this time and react healthier. Or maybe we can't. We don't actually control our minds, even if we sometimes cling so dearly to that illusion.
Right now I am much softer on myself. I don't feel very ambitious. I'd rather be kind to myself and others. I still get bored and go do stuff. It's not like I am idling. But I feel like in the past I was more productive. More driven (towards what?). Maybe I'll get there again, maybe not.
I meditate way less. If I do, it's more relaxing. Not focused on insight or mood alteration. I remember I started meditating to be more mindful, so I could be more attentative to my family after work. Funny fact: That didn't actually work. I still got mentally distracted by my thoughts, becoming absent in their presence. All I did by meditating a lot was to become more aware of that mental motion. The reason I am more attentative now is because I don't really care so much about work and hobbies at the moment. Instead there's more interest in reconnecting with my friends and family. That might be a good outcome of breaking down. Though I want to keep enjoying work as well.
Maybe I managed to avoid a burn-out through meditation? Maybe I should have burned-out instead of allowing this bigger breakdown to occur. Or maybe it would have happened anyway. None of this is known. Psychology is a field of many mysteries, especially the psychology of a single individual. You study you, yet you are perpetually surprised by yourself, since you can only hold a tiny mental model of your entire self.
Maybe a part of me was hoping self-awareness could protect me? Like if I paid close enough attention, I'd be safe? That I could follow my desires while guarding my limitations. All through self reflection and self improvement, using my own feelings as feedback. And the feedback of those closest to me.
Is there any other way? What's the alternative? Seek more feedback, from more people? Or go the other way. Just be. I am at the forefront of this life. Shit happens. We suffer. We die. In the mean time we live.
Yet I'd like to suffer a little less. There's that longing to be free from suffering. I'd still like to follow that desire. To be able to live this live with gratitude and acceptance and equanimity. And joy and happiness and all those positive experiences, even if those mind states are not always around.
There's a lot of not-knowing around this topic. I don't fully understand what happened. What to do differently now. Where I am going. I guess that's where I am right now. I suppose that's okay. All of this is meaningful.