I feel a little lost, without a goal, no real drive or ambition. This is a rare feeling for me, typically I have some goal I am chasing. This feeling hits me most at work. At home it's okay. There I just do whatever I feel like doing, like reading books or doing activities with the family. But at work I feel lost. Normally I have a clear goal. Either striving for excellence in my main project, or chasing a side-project, or building tools for others. I optimized for freedom so much that it's turning on me now that I have no clear direction.
Should I look for a new (career) goal to chase? I am actually reluctant. Having a goal tends to make me a little obsessive while chasing it. At first this feels nice, given you a sense of purpose. But long term it always turns into a tense situation, draining the fun out of it, making myself suffer in order to succeed. I want to stay mentally healthy and this conflicts with indulging any compulsions.
I could choose a goal and hold it lightly? Go after it, but enjoy the journey? It doesn't matter if I reach the goal or not. I can try not to care if progress is slow or inaccurate. Do I have that in me? It's not really a goal if I don't care about reaching it. It's more like a vague direction to move in.
I'll try, but so far it comes with this dreaded feeling. It's a package deal at the moment. Being goalless, wandering a bit in some direction, comes with feeling lost. Perhaps the goal is to just feel that feeling for a while. Until I can accept it.
It's not that I am without purpose or meaning. Being lost doesn't turn you into a nihilist. Life has meaning, being lost has meaning. It's just uncomfortable.
So. I tried to deal with it by blogging/journaling. Get it out of my system. Doesn't really work either, but it's time to get back to work and find something to do.